I write about helping children become responsible adults through respectful guidance and discipline. I may earn income from purchases of advertised products or links.
Sunday, January 28, 2018
Have You Considered Parenting Time Limits?
Jennifer is a 30-year-old mother. Her daughter Chelsea is three. Jennifer has about 13 years left to help Chelsea get ready for adulthood--that's if you believe 16-year-olds will listed to parental guidance!
Scott has a 12-year-old son, Micah. Scott has about 4 years until Micah reaches age 16.
Sure, parents can continue to advise their children into the adult years. After all, in western cultures, adolescence seems to go into the early 20s.
Parenting has a time limit
When you consider the time available to help children become mature, responsible adults, parents need to decide on their priorities. I'm not saying parents ought to cut back on fun and games. I am saying that if you want your children to learn specific values, atitudes, and skills, then plan to do most of that teaching during childhood and early adolescence.
When children enter the teen years, the parent-child relationshp changes. At some point, children begin teaching parents a thing or two--including values, attitudes, and skills.
Time flies.
It isn't long before your children are teenagers-- busy with school, part-time work, and peer group activities. They may be applying for work or college. You may or may not be happy with their peers. You may wish they had other plans for employment or college. But the chances are, your ability to influence your older teen have diminished considerably.
Why not make the most of childhood?
Think about what you would really like them to know, value, appreciate, and respect.
Do they complete age appropriate responsibilities at home?
Do they complete age appropriate work at school?
Do they show respect for themselves and their personal space?
Do they show respect to you, peers, siblings, and other adults?
Do they share your values?
Your parenting days are numbered. Make the most of them then, become friends for life.
Read more in Chapter 1 of Discipline with Respect
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Wednesday, January 17, 2018
Chores, Tasks, & Responsibility
In Discipline with Respect, Chapter 1, "The Principle of Purpose," I discuss the importance of building responsible behavior with tasks and responsiblities appropriate for a child's age. It does take more time than doing a job yourself, but parenting includes helping children become mature and responsible adults.
I recently saw a post from the American Counseling Association (ACA) about chores. The suggestions are similar to mine.
Here's a quote from their post.
Having your kids do assigned chores can be an important factor in helping them develop in positive ways. Chores are a way for a child to feel part of the family, and to gain a sense of contributing toward the family good. These early life lessons make it easier for a person to feel like an active, contributing member of society later in life.
And here is the link to the ACA blog so you can read their Jan 05, 2018 post about the value of having children complete chores.
Happy Parenting!
Read more about evidence-based discipline strategies in Discipline with Respect -- A book used by schools and recommended by professionals.
See the Discipline with Respect website for more information.
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Full link to the ACA post about "chores."
https://www.counseling.org/news/aca-blogs/aca-counseling-corner/aca-counseling-corner-blog/2018/01/05/getting-kids-to-do-their-chores-doesn't-make-you-a-bad-person
Tuesday, January 9, 2018
Why did she do that?
When children misbehave, we want to know why they do what
they do. But often, children do not know why they did whatever they did.
When we ask children why questions, we may be thinking two
things:
1. I don’t want you (child) to do that again.
2. I want to know how to help you (child) behave differently in the future.
We may genuinely want to know why a child lost her temper,
hit another child, broke something valuable, has difficulty finishing homework,
keeps forgetting various items, and many other things.
Answers to why questions can be deceptive. A child may say “I
forgot” or “She hit me.” A parent may suspect a child is tired or upset because
a child missed out on an activity due to misbehavior or even an interfering
event like severe weather.
People in a community may have many explanations for
children’s behavior such as deficiencies in various supplements, life events
like a divorce or birth of a sibling, birth order, and so forth. Some explain
behavior as a matter of bad choices.
Sometimes parents consult psychologists who may suggest the
reasons for some behaviors are linked to learning disabilities or the
biochemistry associated with conditions like ADHD.
The truth is, we often do not know what causes a behavior in
a specific child. There may be more than one cause for any given behavior or
behavior pattern. As with many things in life, it is often best to focus on the
desired outcome.
Ask not why children behave as they do.
Ask what your
children will do differently next time.
Ensure they have a clear idea about
appropriate behavior and help them achieve that goal using one or more
effective discipline techniques.
We usually don’t want our children to answer a why question
with something like, “I guess my dopamine levels were low.”
We can avoid helping children search for reasons that can
become excuses by focusing on what
questions.
Here are three examples of what questions.
- What did you do?
- What rule did you break (if one was broken)?
- What should you do differently next time?
Read more about evidence-based discipline strategies in Discipline with Respect -- A book used by schools and recommended by professionals.
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See the Discipline with Respect website for more information.
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Note
There may be biopsychological explanations for some behavioral difficulties but most children won't know those "reasons" for their behavior. In addition, we usually want to help children learn adaptive behavior even when they have conditions that make it more difficult for them than for other children.
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Tuesday, January 2, 2018
Setting Goals Builds Self-Discipline
In Discipline
with Respect, I recommend parents set goals after identifying
the behavioral lessons they would like their children to learn by a certain
age. Setting goals is a good idea for adults and children. When parents set goals, they also serve as role models for their children.
Anytime is a good time to set goals. So, if you are reading
this at the beginning of a year or at another time, the psychological value of
goal-setting remains important to helping people make achievable life-changes.
Daphna Oyeserman (USC) and her team studied the effects of
measuring time on planning for a future event like saving for retirement. It
turns out that the way participants “framed” time influenced their plans to
take action. Instead of thinking in terms of years, it might be best to think
in terms of days (Psychological
Science). And its best to think in terms of months rather than years.
Parents can apply this kind of thinking to behavioral goals.
For example, if you want your child to develop financial responsibility by age
16 and your child just turned 12, you might think 4-years is far in the
future—and you have plenty of time. But if you think in terms of days (1,465),
you might be more inclined to make a list of tasks to improve the odds your
teen will have the self-discipline and other skills crucial to responsible
financial behavior. Fortunately, many parents help children develop responsible
financial behavior before age 12. Unfortunately, some children grow up with a limited
understanding.
*****
There are other factors to help adults and children reach
their goals. As I mention in Discipline with Respect, goals should
be realistic, specific, measurable, and dated. I also recommend working on only
2-3 goals at a time.
1. Realistic goals
are those a person can reach with additional effort and encouragement. Most of
us can increase our exercise by a small percentage of steps or minutes,
decrease our consumption of sugar treats, increase our savings by a small
percentage, help one additional person, and so forth.
2. Specific goals are stated in precise language
such as units of money saved, pounds of weight lost or gained, words written, pages
read, days of temper outbursts, or steps walked.
3. Measuring progress
is easy for those goals having natural units as mentioned above. Other goals
may require some additional thought. You may come up with a quality rating
instead of a concrete number. For example, you could ask for feedback on the
quality of a quilting project from expert quilters. I often ask for feedback on
my writing projects, which helps me gauge how close I am to reaching
publication quality before submitting a paper to a journal editor. The chapter
on feedback can help parents give specific feedback to children on their
behavior.
4. Finally, we help ourselves when we attach a date to a goal. As suggested in the research study above,
we might be better to think in terms of
days rather than years. Parents and teachers can help children by thinking
in terms of 90 days to complete a project.
You may be able to tell from this post that Discipline
with Respect is about developing responsible behavior. Although I discuss
the usual principles of how to use consequences in discipline programs, I view
discipline as education—all the things we do to help children become mature,
responsible, and respectful adults.
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Thursday, December 28, 2017
Discipline with Respect Includes Time Out
Some argue against the use of Time Out discipline strategies
despite scientific evidence of its effectiveness. Some criticisms of time out are
justified. Discipline with Respect
involves a commitment to a long-term loving parent-child relationship.
Used correctly, time out is a brief time away from a
pleasant activity as a consequence for a child’s unacceptable socially aggresive or destructive behavior. In Discipline with Respect
and other programs, parents and educators learn that time out is one of many
strategies to help children learn to follow basic rules in home and school
settings. The emphasis in Discipline with
Respect and other parenting programs is always on creating a positive setting
where children are encouraged to be a part of family and peer activities
sometimes referred to as “time in.”
Parents and teachers explain time out in advance so children
understand the purpose of a brief time away from activities and where they will
spend that short period of time. It is best not to discuss the time out procedure or the problem behavior with a child who has not responded to a warning. Discussions can lead to escalation. Discussing the misbehavior can occur after the time out consequence if there is doubt the child does not see the connection between the aggressive behavior and the time out consequence.
Most time out guidelines suggest using about one minute in time out per year of age so 5-minutes for a child age 5 and 10 minutes for a ten-year-old.
Time out is more effective when children are in a chair or sitting on a mat away from the activity where they misbehaved. Time out is more effective when children are not playing with toys or doing other fun activities.
Time out is more effective when children calm
briefly before they return to their previous activities.
Encourage positive interactions when the child returns to their activities.
Researchers find time out helps reduce both physical and
verbal aggression and destructive behavior in many settings. Again, time out is
only one strategy and should be used in the context of an overall positive
program. Like other strategies, time out will not always be effective with
every child.
Time out is not a strategy for every type of misbehavior. The
focus of research is on using time out to interrupt aggressive and destructive
behavior, which is often accompanied by anger. The risk of not using time out
or other effective strategies is that children will continue to be aggressive
as they grow older. Some may be concerned about repressing anger but that
concern is not supported by evidence. Parents and teachers can teach the
appropriate way to express anger within their culture—for example, using words
and taking constructive action.
Some parenting sources advocate holding aggressive children
but this is controversial. Parents and other care givers find it difficult to safely
and effectively hold aggressive children.
Those who focus only on positive approaches to discipline
help engender an attitude of respect. However, most find that effective
discipline needs to include consequences for severe misbehavior. For an academic review
of research on time out, see the Morawska and Sanders (2011) reference.
Morawska, A.,
& Sanders, M. (2011). Parental use of time out revisited: A useful or
harmful parenting strategy?. Journal of
Child and Family Studies, 20(1), 1-8. doi:10.1007/s10826-010-9371-x
Shriver, M. D.,
& Allen, K. D. (1996). The time-out grid: A guide to effective discipline. School Psychology Quarterly, 11(1),
67-75. doi:10.1037/h0088921
Sutton, G. W.
(2018). Discipline with Respect in Caring
Relationships. Sunflower Press. Available from Amazon.
Discipline with Respect Website
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Publications (many
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Tuesday, December 26, 2017
Video Gaming and Behavior
The World Health Organization (WHO) considers some forms of video gaming to be an unhealthy condition. The problem lies in "persistent or recurrent" patterns of gaming and has the following three features (U S News, 2017):
"1) impaired control over gaming (e.g., onset, frequency, intensity, duration, termination, context);
2) increasing priority given to gaming to the extent that gaming takes precedence over other life interests and daily activities; and
3) continuation or escalation of gaming despite the occurrence of negative consequences."
Like other disorders, the condition needs to be severe, which is usually defined by duration-- in this case, 12 months. Severity also requires an evaluation of how much gaming interferes with other aspects of life--personal, family, social, education, occupational and so forth. Clinicians have some flexibility on the 12 month criterion when they think a condition is particularly severe.
Clearly, not everyone who plays a lot of video games has severe problems. Psychologists and psychiatrists avoid using terms like "addiction" because they are too vague and may suggest physiological dependence. But mental health clinicians do see youth and adults who spend so much time gaming that they have little time for relationships and other important aspects of life.
One US study of 1,178 youth ages 8 to 18 found that 8% had "pathological patterns" of gaming, which affected school performance (Gentile, 2009).
From a scientific perspective, psychological scientists have found a small and reliable link between using violent video games and aggressive behavior such as pushing and yelling. Studies do not support a link to more violent acts.
“Attributing violence to video gaming is not scientifically sound and draws attention away from other factors, such as a history of violence, which we know from the research is a major predictor of future violence.”(See link for more APA 2020)
Several aspects of video games can influence child behavior. In Discipline with Respect, I identify two major areas for parents to consider when it comes to gaming and similar conditions. One potential problem is the role-model effect. That is, role models within video sources and those who model any undesirable behavior can influence children and youth (Chapter 3 ). Older siblings are often effective role models. The other problem with excessive gaming and similar activities is one of creating an unproductive or irresponsible "lifestyle," which I discuss in chapter 8 about the principle of substitution and the need to set boundaries.
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Wednesday, December 6, 2017
Leave Learning Styles Alone
It is hard to fault educators and schools for jumping on the learning style train, which seemed to be heading in the right direction. It just made sense. Everyone knows children are different. Some are great at drawing. Some can see a diagram and quickly construct a model. Others seem to have an intuitive grasp of mathematics. Still other children have a gift with words and the verbal concepts, which may be analyzed in-depth. But the scientific evidence for learning styles is not there.
Four scientists were engaged to study the widespread practice of teaching by emphasizing learning styles. They published their findings in Psychological Science in the Public Interest.
The idea of learning styles generally means that children learn better when teachers match their mode of instruction to the child's learning style. The idea is that children may learn best by emphasizing some specific auditory, visual, or kinesthetic modality. Schools can evaluate a child's learning style then match a teaching style to a learning style. Thus the idea of learning styles also includes an idea about assessment. That is, a belief that it is possible to use a set of questions to determine a child's learning style. For example, if a child is a visual learner then the child will learn best when instructions are presented visually.
Fortunately, Harold Pashler, Mark McDaniel, Doug Rohrer, and Robert Bjork reviewed the research and published the summary I mentioned above. Despite a comprehensive review, they did not find evidence supporting the value of teaching according to supposed learning styles.
Some Details About Learning Styles
Different Abilities
There is reasonable evidence that people, including children, have different intellectual strengths or abilities. We have some 80 years of evidence identifying different abilities. And there is evidence that these abilities are usually intercorrelated suggesting an overall general ability. But this correlation does not undermine the evidence for distinct patterns of strength. For example, some have greater verbal abilities than quantitative abilities. But here's the rub. Having different abilities does not mean people learn differently or that different teaching styles are required for those with different abilities to learn the same concepts.
Different Teaching Methods
If the learning styles idea is a good one then there ought to be an interaction such that visual learners would excel using teaching methods matched to their visual style and auditory learners ought to learn best when taught using an auditory teaching method. You can imagine the converse. You would not expect great results if you taught visual learners using auditory teaching methods. Unfortunately, as sensible as this teaching-learning style match sounds, the research does not support the idea.
Different Personality Factors
An interesting aside is a finding that the personality dimension called locus-of-control seems to be relevant to learning. Those with a high external locus of control do better with highly structured learning activities and those with high inner locus of control do better with less structured learning activities. Locus of control refers to core beliefs about how much a person controls their life outcomes. Those with a higher inner locus of control have a strong belief in their responsibility for the consequences of their actions. The science behind locus of control is based on work by Rotter (1966).
Different Content Requires Different Teaching
Although beliefs in learning styles and beliefs about matching teaching to learning styles lacks supportive evidence, we should not confuse these beliefs with beliefs about teaching different content.
Let's be clear. If you want to teach a child to solve a geometry problem you will use verbal instructions and visual materials rather than rely on speech or text alone. If telling a child to hang up her clothes when she gets home from school does not work (i.e., has not been learned) then you might want to try another approach for behavioral learning such as having her perform the task while you provide feedback. Similarly, teaching children how to pass a soccer ball is best done on a field rather than by showing a video.
We do, however, need research on matching different teaching methods to different content.
In Discipline with Respect, I focus on ways to help children learn respectful behavior that will help them become responsible adults. My point in taking up the topic of learning styles in this blog is to help parents and teachers avoid mythology surrounding the education of children. Discipline is education. Different discipline methods work with different children. But for most parents, discipline strategies based on solid principles will work with most children. As with learning in school, learning behavior will sometimes require specialized instruction.
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References
Pashler, H., McDaniel, M., Rohrer, D., & Bjork, R. (2008). Learning styles: Concepts and Evidence. Psychological Science in the Public Interest, 9, 106-119.
Rotter, J.B. (1966). Generalized expectancies of internal versus external control of reinforcements. Psychological Monographs, 80, (Whole no. 609).
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