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Monday, June 18, 2018

Parent-Child Separation







Parents and children end up being separated for many reasons. Parents die, go away to war for extended times, and have work responsibilities far from home.

Sometimes parents are separated from their children because the parents have broken a law resulting in extended detention in a correctional facility or even deportation if they are an illegal immigrant. Of course, some parent-child bonds are severed by death during natural disasters, wars, and acts of violence.

Sometimes a child is left without a biological parent but is highly attached to a loving family member or other caregiver thus, their separation experience may not be as traumatic as if they had no loving family or other caregiver following the separation.


Children who felt close to the parent they lost may display a range of anxious behavior patterns and sometimes express anger in words and actions. Separation anxiety is common in young children who cling to their parent or other caregiver for security when around strangers or other perceived threats (e.g., barking dogs, loud noises).

But after age three, healthy children usually appear more confident at some distance from their parents. They learn to enjoy friends and adapt to school knowing their parents will be there at the end of the day.

Secure children who have good experiences with grandparents, or other caregivers, can also feel loved and cared for when biological parents are away for extended periods of time. When children feel highly connected to another adult, a parent may feel more anxious than the child due to the separation. Thus, we must also consider the effects of separation on the mother, father, or other primary carer.

Discipline with Respect
















Symptoms of Distress

Some children continue to experience significant distress when separated from a close parent regardless of the quality of the new caregiver. Relatives and other foster parents can provide a loving home for children without parents yet the effects of separation will still be felt.

For example, some children express considerable worry of harm to the absent parent, they may avoid sleepovers at friends’ houses, nightmares can include separation themes, and they may refuse to leave home, a place of perceived safety, which can interfere with school attendance.

When children are separated from their parents, they may also experience a range of health concerns like headaches and stomachaches.

When children show high anxiety linked to separation from their parent or other caring adult, they may also experience depression and develop obsessive-compulsive disorder. As you might expect, some separation events are highly traumatic resulting in Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.

Distressing memories can be set-off by a variety of present experiences that act like a trigger for the separation event. Examples of triggers include the smells of war, a place that looks like the place where they lost a parent, a voice that sounds like the person who caused the trauma or the parent they lost, and other sounds linked to the trauma like sirens, explosions, and even music.

Helping people of any age cope with trauma requires a sensitivity to the full range of human memory components such as visual imagery, words and phrases, smells, feelings, places, and even certain types of touch or other physical contact.

Parenting and Discipline


Discipline with Respect















We should state the obvious that children need loving care to develop into secure and healthy adults. Children can survive unpleasant and even dangerous surroundings when they are loved and nurtured by a trusted adult who either is, or functions as, a parent. The warm embrace of a loving parent serves as a psychological shield during times of stress.

Physical punishment can make matters worse. Children in distress may respond to more structure and clearly defined expectations than other children. Discipline programs will need to include many positive messages and other positive consequences when children demonstrate improvements in behavior.

Keep in mind that spirituality is very important to many families. For example, most Americans are Christian. And most people in the affiliate with a religion. Parenting and discipline ought to consider the child's family values--including those values linked to their faith.

Caregivers will need reminders to avoid taking the harsh words of a distressed child as a personal attack.

Most of us can have a better relationship with children when we listen to their stories. We need not avoid uncomfortable topics but we ought not to push children into talking about disturbing issues until they are ready. Distressed children may need gentle reassurance that uncomfortable feelings are normal. The issue of readiness is also important for counselors and psychotherapist to keep in mind for children and adults who have experienced traumatic separations. Although it is natural to think traumatized children need counseling, they may not be ready to talk about their experiences.

As with any parenting effort, consistency and predictability are helpful. Most children benefit from routine mealtimes and bedtimes. Tell children when changes in routine are needed. Children are not the same. Secure children may thrive in open environments but others thrive when daily activities follow familiar routines as if the structure provides psychological security in an otherwise chaotic world.

Caregivers should make notes of the trauma triggers they observe and seek help as needed to help children learn ways to manage their response to such triggers. Some triggers may result in anger and aggression, which can make parenting difficult. Consulting a professional may help parents brainstorm ways to keep the distressed child and others safe while helping the child find safe ways to express their distress and anger.


When children show symptoms of severe anxiety and related conditions like depression and obsessive-compulsive disorder, then professional consultation may be needed. Treatment can include connecting with loving relatives, developing friendships, providing for basic needs, attending psychotherapy, and in some cases, taking medication. Psychologists and other clinicians can often help caregivers develop a treatment plan.


As needed, seek treatment from experienced clinicians who have experience with children. The ideas in this post may not apply to the needs of specific children or adults and are not intended to replace the advice of psychologists, counselors, social workders, and other professionals.

Resources- Learn More about Anxiety and Related Conditions

Anxiety in Children (APA)
A Kids Guide to Separation (APA)
Anxiety (APA)
Depression (APA)
Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder and Families (APA)
Trauma (APA)
I provide workshops and seminars but no longer provide psychotherapy.

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Monday, May 21, 2018

When you hold a child's hands you hold the future






A small 20-month old hand holds my right hand whilst wandering forward one small step at a time. A bird chirping, a leaf blowing, and rocks strewn across our path capture his downward gaze. He pauses to examine a pebble. And I think. I hold the future in my hand.

I look down and glimpse the sense of wonder and appreciation a little boy has for our world. In a moment of time I feel hopeful that the future will be brighter if his upstretched hand is ready to grasp the tomorrow as firmly as he grasps the present.

In the early years of a child’s life we hold a child's future in our hands. We do not make all the difference in their lives, but we do make an important difference. For a brief moment in time, our strong hands lift them up when they are weary and hold them close when strange sounds and images trouble their souls. Our hands point them in the right direction, show them how to write, cook, build, and celebrate. 

When the future comes close, our hands grab their shoulders in a hearty well-done embrace. Then we wave good bye. The future is theirs to hold.

Parenting is about deep and caring relationships built one small moment upon another. Respectful discipline flows naturally as parents bridge the gap between the present and the future. This is why I wrote Discipline with Respect. I believe parents hold the key to the future in the palm of their hands. Parents, and all their helpers, enable children to create the future of the world.




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Friday, May 18, 2018

Evidence-Based Parenting 11 Principles of Discipline with Respect
















Parents have been raising children to become leaders for thousands of years. Evidence-based parenting is simply a collection of principles that have been tested--tested in current studies and tested over time.

Respectful parenting treats children with the love and respect all people deserve without giving up the appropriate boundary between parents and children.

The world is full of people who are loving, respectful and kind. Parents and children can change the world--even if it is one person at a time.

11 Evidence-Based  Principles included in Discipline with Respect


Introduction: The Principle of Respect     

1. The Principle of Purpose     

2. The Principle of Advertising     

3. The Principle of Leadership by Example      

4. The Principle of Coaching    

5. The Principles of Encouragement      

6. The Principles of Changing Behavior: Guidelines      

7. The Principles of Changing Behavior: Applications      

8. The Principle of the Pure Spring      

9. The Principle of Choice      

10. The Principle of Relationship Repair      
Understanding Forgiveness and Reconciliation



Two Versions of Discipline with Respect


          with scriptural examples for each principle

Inexpensive Discussion Guide














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 Geoff W. Sutton

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Sunday, January 28, 2018

Have You Considered Parenting Time Limits?




Jennifer is a 30-year-old mother. Her daughter Chelsea is three. Jennifer has about 13 years left to help Chelsea get ready for adulthood--that's if you believe 16-year-olds will listed to parental guidance!

Scott has a 12-year-old son, Micah. Scott has about 4 years until Micah reaches age 16.

Sure, parents can continue to advise their children into the adult years. After all, in western cultures, adolescence seems to go into the early 20s.

Parenting has a time limit

When you consider the time available to help children become mature, responsible adults, parents need to decide on their priorities. I'm not saying parents ought to cut back on fun and games. I am saying that if you want your children to learn specific values, atitudes, and skills, then plan to do most of that teaching during childhood and early adolescence.

When children enter the teen years, the parent-child relationshp changes. At some point, children begin teaching parents a thing or two--including values, attitudes, and skills.

Time flies.

It isn't long before your children are teenagers-- busy with school, part-time work, and peer group activities. They may be applying for work or college. You may or may not be happy with their peers. You may wish they had other plans for employment or college. But the chances are, your ability to influence your older teen have diminished considerably.

Why not make the most of childhood?

Think about what you would really like them to know, value, appreciate, and respect.



Do they complete age appropriate responsibilities at home?

Do they complete age appropriate work at school?

Do they show respect for themselves and their personal space?

Do they show respect to you, peers, siblings, and other adults?

Do they share your values?

Your parenting days are numbered. Make the most of them then, become friends for life.

Read more in Chapter 1 of Discipline with Respect

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Wednesday, January 17, 2018

Chores, Tasks, & Responsibility




In Discipline with Respect, Chapter 1, "The Principle of Purpose," I discuss the importance of building responsible behavior with tasks and responsiblities appropriate for a child's age. It does take more time than doing a job yourself, but parenting includes helping children become mature and responsible adults.

I recently saw a post from the American Counseling Association (ACA) about chores. The suggestions are similar to mine.

Here's a quote from their post.

Having  your kids do assigned chores can be an important factor in helping them develop in positive ways. Chores are a way for a child to feel part of the family, and to gain a sense of contributing toward the family good. These early life lessons make it easier for a person to feel like an active, contributing member of society later in life.

And here is the link to the ACA blog so you can read their Jan 05, 2018 post about  the value of having children complete chores.


Happy Parenting!


Read more about evidence-based discipline strategies in Discipline with Respect -- A book used by schools and recommended by professionals. 

Available on AMAZON Kindle and in paperback.





See the Discipline with Respect website for more information.

Get a FREE sample at AMAZON 

Connections and Links to Resources

My Page    www.suttong.com
My Books   AMAZON
FACEBOOK   Geoff W. Sutton
TWITTER  @Geoff.W.Sutton
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Publications (many free downloads)
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Full link to the ACA post about "chores."
https://www.counseling.org/news/aca-blogs/aca-counseling-corner/aca-counseling-corner-blog/2018/01/05/getting-kids-to-do-their-chores-doesn't-make-you-a-bad-person



Tuesday, January 9, 2018

Why did she do that?




When children misbehave, we want to know why they do what they do. But often, children do not know why they did whatever they did.

When we ask children why questions, we may be thinking two things:

    1. I don’t want you (child) to do that again.

    2. I want to know how to help you (child) behave differently in the future.

We may genuinely want to know why a child lost her temper, hit another child, broke something valuable, has difficulty finishing homework, keeps forgetting various items, and many other things.

Answers to why questions can be deceptive. A child may say “I forgot” or “She hit me.” A parent may suspect a child is tired or upset because a child missed out on an activity due to misbehavior or even an interfering event like severe weather.

People in a community may have many explanations for children’s behavior such as deficiencies in various supplements, life events like a divorce or birth of a sibling, birth order, and so forth. Some explain behavior as a matter of bad choices.

Sometimes parents consult psychologists who may suggest the reasons for some behaviors are linked to learning disabilities or the biochemistry associated with conditions like ADHD.

The truth is, we often do not know what causes a behavior in a specific child. There may be more than one cause for any given behavior or behavior pattern. As with many things in life, it is often best to focus on the desired outcome.

Ask not why children behave as they do. 
Ask what your children will do differently next time. 

Ensure they have a clear idea about appropriate behavior and help them achieve that goal using one or more effective discipline techniques.

We usually don’t want our children to answer a why question with something like, “I guess my dopamine levels were low.”

We can avoid helping children search for reasons that can become excuses by focusing on what questions. 

Here are three examples of what questions.

  • What did you do?
  • What rule did you break (if one was broken)?
  • What should you do differently next time?

Read more about evidence-based discipline strategies in Discipline with Respect -- A book used by schools and recommended by professionals. 

Available on AMAZON Kindle and in paperback.



See the Discipline with Respect website for more information.

Get a FREE sample at AMAZON 

Note
There may be biopsychological explanations for some behavioral difficulties but most children won't know those "reasons" for their behavior. In addition, we usually want to help children learn adaptive behavior even when they have conditions that make it more difficult for them than for other children.

Connections and Links to Resources

My Page    www.suttong.com
My Books   AMAZON
FACEBOOK   Geoff W. Sutton
TWITTER  @Geoff.W.Sutton
LinkedIN Geoffrey Sutton  PhD
Publications (many free downloads)
     Academia   Geoff W Sutton   (PhD)
     ResearchGate   Geoffrey W Sutton   (PhD)







Tuesday, January 2, 2018

Setting Goals Builds Self-Discipline



In Discipline with Respect, I recommend parents set goals after identifying the behavioral lessons they would like their children to learn by a certain age. Setting goals is a good idea for adults and children. When parents set goals, they also serve as role models for their children.

Anytime is a good time to set goals. So, if you are reading this at the beginning of a year or at another time, the psychological value of goal-setting remains important to helping people make achievable life-changes.

Daphna Oyeserman (USC) and her team studied the effects of measuring time on planning for a future event like saving for retirement. It turns out that the way participants “framed” time influenced their plans to take action. Instead of thinking in terms of years, it might be best to think in terms of days (Psychological Science). And its best to think in terms of months rather than years.

Parents can apply this kind of thinking to behavioral goals. For example, if you want your child to develop financial responsibility by age 16 and your child just turned 12, you might think 4-years is far in the future—and you have plenty of time. But if you think in terms of days (1,465), you might be more inclined to make a list of tasks to improve the odds your teen will have the self-discipline and other skills crucial to responsible financial behavior. Fortunately, many parents help children develop responsible financial behavior before age 12. Unfortunately, some children grow up with a limited understanding.
*****

There are other factors to help adults and children reach their goals. As I mention in Discipline with Respect, goals should be realistic, specific, measurable, and dated. I also recommend working on only 2-3 goals at a time.

1. Realistic goals are those a person can reach with additional effort and encouragement. Most of us can increase our exercise by a small percentage of steps or minutes, decrease our consumption of sugar treats, increase our savings by a small percentage, help one additional person, and so forth.

2. Specific goals are stated in precise language such as units of money saved, pounds of weight lost or gained, words written, pages read, days of temper outbursts, or steps walked.

3. Measuring progress is easy for those goals having natural units as mentioned above. Other goals may require some additional thought. You may come up with a quality rating instead of a concrete number. For example, you could ask for feedback on the quality of a quilting project from expert quilters. I often ask for feedback on my writing projects, which helps me gauge how close I am to reaching publication quality before submitting a paper to a journal editor. The chapter on feedback can help parents give specific feedback to children on their behavior.

4. Finally, we help ourselves when we attach a date to a goal. As suggested in the research study above, we might be better to think in terms of days rather than years. Parents and teachers can help children by thinking in terms of 90 days to complete a project.

You may be able to tell from this post that Discipline with Respect is about developing responsible behavior. Although I discuss the usual principles of how to use consequences in discipline programs, I view discipline as education—all the things we do to help children become mature, responsible, and respectful adults.















Connections and Links to Resources

My Page    www.suttong.com
My Books   AMAZON
FACEBOOK   Geoff W. Sutton
TWITTER  @Geoff.W.Sutton
LinkedIN Geoffrey Sutton  PhD
Publications (many free downloads)
     Academia   Geoff W Sutton   (PhD)
     ResearchGate   Geoffrey W Sutton   (PhD)




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